kYoshiii's Xanga

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:15:10 GMT

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people are rude, especially during presentations. Okay, so I fall asleep during presentations, but not because I want to... usually because I hadn't gotten sleep the night before so it's only natural that I'd fall asleep. But I at least attempt to pay attention...

... when someone is giving a presentation on something that they've worked on, it's common courtesy to just pay attention. Put your phone away for goodness sakes. If you can't give five or ten minutes of your time to someone, why should you expect anything back?

Don't be so quick

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:53:04 GMT

to judge. As people, we all have flaws. And as people, we automatically assume so much about one person based on our initial impressions of them. And it's our responsibility, as people, to look past those assumptions and actually get to know somebody for who they are and not what they happened to be doing at the time. Not based on what you've heard about them from other people.

This is how we make friends.

Is it possible to make friends with the whole world? Sure it is. Why do people dislike others? Why hate? Because there's a miscommunication, a misunderstanding, an opposition in opinion. Of course, it depends on the situation at hand. I don't expect people to accept things for what they are all the time. I don't expect people to be best buddies with the serial murderer on the block. There's a difference between what's wrong, and what's REALLY wrong...

... but what I'm talking about is ... learn to be accepting of others.

Last Year's Rantings

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:56:46 GMT

Something I do every now and then is read the blogs I wrote a year ago. I did that today... and realized that exactly a year ago, I was trying to fight the same thing that I'm going through presently. And for some reason, I had more strength to resist making mistakes last year. It's really ironic, because I think that if I read what I believed a year ago ... I might have not made those mistakes at all.

Saturday, Oct 25th, 2008

Alright. So after my week, I've come to realize a few things. I've been so frustrated with a lot of things. Like one. Who listens to anything anymore? People have ears right? Yet they don't use them. People tend to only use their eyes, which are so objective. And how sad to people who think I don't listen, or I won't listen. Or that I won't keep an open mind, or that I don't even have an open mind. How people think they can read what I'm thinking by just looking at me. How people tend to think only of themselves and not others, or don't even bother to wonder how another person might react to an action they did. How people can judge a person by focusing on just one aspect of them and not bothering to know the others. How easy it is to say "I don't like that person" ... but based on what? And how easy it is, to just get mad. And again, based on what?

Why is it so easy to make fun of someone yet so hard to show appreciation? Easy to get mad but so hard to forgive. Easy to be stubborn. So easy to playfully smack someone but so hard to hug them? So easy to jokingly say "but I love you" but so hard to say it like you really mean it? "But if I do that, it'll be awkward." Will it really? People are the ones that make things awkward. Not gestures. Not words.

I just wish some people would see that. I wish everyone I know would see that. I wish people would just think outside of themselves, for one second. See the bigger picture. Think about the bigger picture.

I'm going to continue to follow what I believe in. I almost let myself be swayed by other people's actions and thoughts but I've come to realize that what really made me unhappy this week, was the fact that I almost lost myself. And I can't let that happen again...

And look. It did happen.

Monday, October 27, 2008

When life gives you lemons...

... eat them. And when your face gets all puckered up, and when you can't stand the sourness, then you know never to eat them again.

What's it really about, anymore? Uncertainties, worries. Why does everyone seem to focus on those, and just on those? Whatever happened to focusing on happiness? Live and let go. Make mistakes, learn from them. Know never to make them again. It's easy to say, but be smart. Have common sense. Why do stupid things, think stupid things, say stupid things, when you know they're stupid? Why get caught up in things that shouldn't even concern you? Why wonder where someone has gone, when they never even left?

Let the people you love know that you love them. Friends, family, significant other. Show your concern, appreciation, care, for them.

Why dance around the truth when you know life is short?

Words of wisdom from the me I want to become again.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:22:38 GMT

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

It's so hard to expect something from people and then realizing that not everyone is going to meet your own expectations. But in reality, I realized that your own expectations of people should be the expectations you set for yourself. And when you don't follow your own expectations, but still expect them out of other people... that's when everything goes downhill, doesn't it?

I know I've put the blame on so many other people in the past few months. But I also really screwed up a lot this semester. This semester was supposed to be the calm after the storm that was last year. But it really just got worse. And I know that I've ruined my relationships with a few people. And that the people I'm close with now, I don't even fully trust, definitely not as much as the people I was close with before. It's like I built a wall around myself, a wall that I helped so many others in the past break down... and now look at me, putting it up.

Fuck this all. If I hurt you in any way in the past few months, most likely because I was getting back at you for hurting me, I apologize. If I ignored you in any way, on purpose or by accident, in person or by text or by phone call, I apologize. I feel so guilty for all my actions, all my negativity, all the bullshit. I was listening too much to what others were saying. I wasn't listening to how I, myself, would react to this situation. All the things I learned in the past couple years, about learning how to forgive, about learning how to accept people for who they are, and what they do, no matter what, because ALL people have feelings, ALL people have a reason for doing things, ALL people make mistakes ... I just threw all that knowledge away and did what felt good to me, even if it involved beating people down and stepping on them. I was tired of the one being stepped on, that's true, but if not being stepped on involves stepping on others... then I won't have it. I won't be that kind of person that I truly dislike.

I'm tired of being this way. I want things to go back to the way they were. I've changed, but I will be that person who knows how to FORGIVE and NOT forget but REMEMBER how it affected me and, even moreso, the others around me.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 04:56:53 GMT

Ugh. I hate these distracting thoughts. Especially during charette -_-

A real blog, for the first time in a while

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 23:17:57 GMT

I realize that my last few "blogs" have been a crapload of negativity again. And not really blog-worthy. Maybe even saying, why bother blogging if whoever's going to read it won't feel anymore enlightened after reading it?

My life these days has been pretty negative, I have to admit. There isn't one day in the past... well, since school started, that I haven't felt or thought about something that really frustrates me. Maybe all those years of optimism suddenly caught up to me and said "no, that's enough positive in your life! Be negative for once. Be angry for once. Be sad. Be frustrated. Snap at people. Cuss. Be a bitch. For once."

Sometimes I like to think of this as me actually becoming someone. Me still changing. Another more conscious side of my thoughts say something along the lines of, "Don't be a negative person, but also don't take shit from people. Stand up for yourself, for once in your life. Stop following people around and be your own person. For once."

I like the second option better.

But to be honest, there's something that's not completely right with all this. While I might feel more... independent, I guess I'll call it ... there is still a part of me that reaches out to my past self, back when life used to be all laughs and fun...

My current self is trying to bury those thoughts because I just want to move on. Because I just know that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, I can only change myself and no one else. I'm not trying to change someone else. I just feel...

... disillusioned ... that's definitely a good word for it. Disillusioned. By the life I thought I was living and the life I'm actually living. By the people I thought I knew and by those same people who I don't even know that well at all. What exactly was genuine, the truth, was real, and what wasn't. I guess I'm just confused by the fact that I don't know what's important right now. What do you even begin to do in this sort of situation? I'm torn.

Walking around like a zombie again. All these thoughts keep invading my head. Like I said, I'm torn. Part of me wants to block all these thoughts out and just block every problem out. The other part of me wants to let all these thoughts in and figure this out. But why do I still even care? Easy. I'm just a really sensitive person. All my ideals point to everything being A-OK. I cannot just sit here and leave something out to become sour.

Good luck to me and good luck to you. Let's just keep going.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 17:00:19 GMT

There are an insane amount of things I want to express right now.

One. Do not lie to me to make me feel better about something I said or something I did. The least I ask for is honesty. Two. Do not tell me that everything is alright when it clearly isn't. Again, honesty. Three. Do not go around saying something about me and something you think about me, and then tell me something completely different. In essence, stop being a damn hypocrite. Everyone has their hypocrisy but when you're the biggest hypocrite I know then there might be a problem.

Four. Do not freaking assume that I will just spew crap out of my mouth around like it's whatever. Everything, anything I say in something that might be a confrontation is something I end up saying because it has been bothering me for a long while and it's because I have thought about it for a long time. It's hard for me to express my feelings as it is. And when I actually do, it's most likely because I found no other better option.

After all that, I just feel more betrayed and confused than ever. The end.

No more. Just no more. I'm so tired of this constant bullshit.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:08:48 GMT

One more time. Don't take things for granted... who knows when it will be gone:

Keeping a straight face and moving forward. I'm doing alright.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 07:54:37 GMT

So, it's been one week of school. One week into my junior year of college. It's already insane as hell. Our first project is due on Friday and already this week is looking bad in terms of a normal night's sleep ...

... and on top of that, I've been sleeping on the APX couch ... -_- Yes, haven't moved in yet. In fact, it's getting really ridiculous. I don't even want to go on about how disgustingly I feel about our housing issue. I just want to get off this couch and into my apartment and on my bed, with my desk.

In fact, this year is starting out with a lot of issues. There's no one here (in college) I can fully trust to talk to anymore ... and it kind of scares me. I feel like I'm being judged on all angles, by everything I say, everything I do. Everyone talks about everyone behind their backs. And I feel like I'm doing the same thing towards others as well because I just can't help it. It's really heartbreaking. Especially to those I trusted the most. No one will fully know how bitter I felt about the whole situation. How bitter I still feel and will feel. How I feel like no matter what I say, it won't even matter. And on the outside, everything is still "normal" ... but it's just not. I just have to force myself to keep pretending.

Even though I hate it when people judge, I am still judging. Call me a hypocrite. But so is everyone else.

Tomorrow will be a happier blog, I promise...

Monday, August 24, 2009

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 01:49:48 GMT

Reminiscing on more light-hearted times kind of makes me realize how much I've changed as a person and how my thinking has changed. Maybe it's a sign of growing up ... shaping yourself into the kind of person you dreamed of being. Sure there might be times when I realized I was going in the wrong direction, but at least I realized it, and put myself back on the right (hopefully it's right) path.

Right now, one of those realizations is happening. It's time to quit walking down this path and soon make a left turn and see where that takes me.

It won't be the same but I'll at least make it right again.